You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People.
If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.
However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15
Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping
that your mother never told you.
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't
be whipped into shape in 30 days
much less 30 minutes-employ the Locked
Door Method of cleaning.
Tell anyone who tries to go in the
room that the door is intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
>Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply.
Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs,
but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes,
just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
>Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking,
think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of
hidden storage space, which means they're a great place
to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about
anything you want to get
out of sight when company's coming.
>Time: 2 minutes
SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger.
CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
>Time: 2.5 minutes
SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
>Time: 3 minutes
>
SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart
believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed
or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom.
The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is
to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed.
(Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
>Time: 4 minutes
SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
>The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says:
Never dust under what you can dust around.
>Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
>Time: 1 minute
>SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING
(EEWWW)
This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager.
When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike
for a month, the teen discovered you can extend
the life of your underwear by two
..if you turn it wrong side out
and, yes, rerun it.
CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens
and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.
>Time: 3 seconds
SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
If an article of clothing doesn't require
a full press and your hair does, a curling iron
is the answer. In between curling your hair,
use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes.
Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told,
by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House
philosophy.
>Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)
SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look.
Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long
and no one looks there anyway.
>Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic,
but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
>Time: 10 seconds
SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed.
No one can tell if those things are made up or not,
saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
>Time: 0
SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, & SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
>Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 15:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think
about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.