I hate to be
the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about
it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social
deal,
and I have a
tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters,
the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
of
Ebenezerian
Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing
calm
- call
other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the
mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products,
socket wrench
sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this
would send
them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's
an
enormous
relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.)
On
this count
alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he
were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas
morning to
find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the
bag.
Another
problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of
all, there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on
to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims
that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on
the
way to the
taxidermist.
Even if the
male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems
because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds
and then
refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact
that
there would
be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like
Santa would
stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would
also
need to check
for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under
every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright
90-degree
angle.
Other reasons
why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't
pack a bag.
- Men would
rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would
feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with
all those
elves.
- Men don't
answer their mail.
- Men would
refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't
interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to
do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
- Finally,
being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the
fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
Father Time
shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to
point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone
screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
As long as we
have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King
Cole's
version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little
difference
what gender
Santa is.